"My child died in my womb without me knowing..."

I am Christabel Ngala, from Nairobi Kibra. I’m twenty-two years old. A mother to one two and half year old boy, he’s called Pablo Amando. I’ve stayed in Kibra for twelve years. Before that, I was staying in Kisumu.

When I came to Kibra I was in class two. My mum had passed so I had to come stay with my aunt who was not really that nice. She was not a person I could talk to, or tell her what I’m going through. She was just strict and insulting. When I joined high school, she’d never help me with anything. It was like “now you’re a big girl, go hustle”.

I started dating when I was in form one, so I could provide for myself pads and things like that. In form three, my aunt got sick so she stopped working and that’s when I stopped going to school. Then in 2018, I got pregnant for the first time. Pablo is not my first child. My aunt told me to leave her home after I got pregnant so I came to start staying with the father’s child. At that time I was seventeen.

My boyfriend was staying with his friend at the time so you can imagine; I’m pregnant, I’ve come to stay with the one who got me pregnant and he’s living with his friend. So I was living with two men. I told him that we can’t stay like that, and that’s how we came to this house. In the beginning we were sleeping on the floor and that’s where we started from. I continued with the pregnancy for 41 weeks and I wasn’t going for antenatal checkups. I was young and didn’t know anything so I wasn’t going to the clinic. The bump was just growing and people were asking how come I haven’t given birth yet. I was also surprised that I hadn't given birth and that’s when I decided to go to the hospital.

There, I was told the child had died in my womb a long time ago. They said I’ve been living just by the grace of God, and wondered how I’m still alive. They needed to perform a c-section on me, the baby had died in my womb and we didn’t have anything.

I called my aunt first and she told me to deal with my own situation, that she had told me to date people who have money and I decided to go for someone poor. She then hung up on me. It’s just by grace that I got out. After two months, I was pregnant again with Pablo.

Recovering was not easy. I used to go out to the road and when I saw someone carrying a child, I would start crying. I used to think that they were carrying my child. I even stopped walking around, I didn’t want to see anyone with a child because it really affected me. It affects me even till now because I have never forgiven my aunt. I don’t talk to her or any of my family members. I’m just living my life with my friends, and the child’s father and his family. I feel like my own family let me down when I needed them the most.

When I got pregnant with Pablo, I was so happy because I knew that I was going to recover from the loss of the first child. By then, I was already part of an organisation called Soraya. They’re the ones who walked with me on that journey and helped me. They were taking me to the clinic and every month they’d follow up with me to go. And with Pablo, I don’t know what the issue is, but he also stayed in my womb too long and I had to do a c-section. We stayed in the nursery after I gave birth to him because he was sick. He had jaundice. I stayed at Mbagathi hospital for two months and my friends raised the money to keep me there.

I can say motherhood is not easy, especially for us young mothers. You have no support, maybe the baby is sick, he’s crying, but I have no one to call. So when he cries, I cry, and the dad cries because we don’t know what to do. His father is 25 years old and we met at school.

If I had the knowledge of family planning, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant early. If I also knew about the organisations that provide things like pads, I believe that I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I got pregnant the first time because my boyfriend was willing to give me those things but not for nothing in return. So that’s the reason.

My dream job is to start up my business. Something like a beauty shop that involves ladies - salon, beauty, makeup. I would also like to go to school and finish form four. Maybe I go to school in the mornings and then come and hustle in the afternoon.

Up to now my aunt doesn't check on me or Pablo, and I don't have any brothers or sisters.

I wouldn’t want my child to live the life that I lived. I wouldn’t want him to grow up here, the way I grew up here and suffered. That’s why I try to work so hard so at least he lives a better life than me. I have to hustle, most importantly I have to make money.

Here in Kibra, mostly women, we have those opportunities to be trained. People come to train us in maybe soapmaking, beauty, mat-making and then they leave you. So you find that you know how to do these things but you don’t have the capital or opportunities to use those skills.

photographer's note

Christabel’s calm and shy demeanor compared with her model-like looks made her a very interesting subject to work with. She was timid throughout the process, and yet shared very openly and vulnerably her story. Her experience for me best highlighted the importance of educating and supporting young people on issues of reproductive health- as opposed to shunning or stigmatising. She also made us some wonderful bhajiya for breakfast and I feel blessed to have worked with her again after our previous interactions.

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